Sunday
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You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.