Sunday
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen