Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions