Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’m putting together a team
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”