Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.