Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

🙂🐾

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé