Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Fluff me with a fork baby

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh