Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!