Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣