Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
they should create new variants of dopamine
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Made something I’m not proud of
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.