Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
You Might Also Like
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.