Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.