Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

🙄

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.