Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am