Sunday
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m Sold!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….