Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

i meant to share this earlier

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Thursday Thought.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues