Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.