[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
yeet
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.