Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.