Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.