Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You Might Also Like
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet