Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright