Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Beware of the “party goblin”…
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.