Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
That’s it.I’m out.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
just witnessed a drug deal
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.