Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Not😆🤣
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’ve had relationships like this
So sick of all these stupid rules