Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Sex so good you see dead people.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.