Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Day 2 of my diet

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.