Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
damn he’s good
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.