Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
GM✌🏻
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs