Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Cardio Made Easy

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*