Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Awwwww shit.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal