Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

How your email finds me

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”