Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.