Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m crying im so happy for them

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji