Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend