“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
he’s doing your taxes
