Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Happy thanksgiving!

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]