Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when somebody idk start touching me

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.