Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

who’s gonna tell her?

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

This woman is my idol. Free her.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

i’m still crying at this

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*