Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.