Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Dietest Coke

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes