Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!