[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.