Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks