Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

crazy

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.