Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.