Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Potatoes were such a good idea
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
THE DOG😭😭💀
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.