Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.