Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?


Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice


date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE


Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.


I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.


sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.


[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
– Gross no
– No. Anything is fine tho.
– Ew carbs


What an adorable idea. My coworkers have been writing names on food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.