Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Banana is the quietest snack
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.