Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

handsome & gretel