super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime