super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you