super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“HELP WITH CAT”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*