super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
sigh
