Super Hand Dog Face
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
my mom making me talk to relatives
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Can. I. Help. You.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.