Super Hand Dog Face
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself