Super Hand Dog Face
You Might Also Like
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.