Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
You Might Also Like
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.