Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
6: are snakes just neck?