Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
How is it still this week?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells