Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class