Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me linking you to my twitter
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Golf would be better with landmines.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.