Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October