Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Cause of death: Zumba
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me