[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong