Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.