SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
