*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
You Might Also Like
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Sticker placement is key.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen