@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

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@rebrafsim

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@dreamthievin

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

@stockejock

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”Muath_tu”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2620740096/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325592944465809411″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”43″;s:5:”tweet”;s:75:”Smart and sophisticated till you like someone and suddenly you’re a donkey.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@krisv_723

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

@KeithAshers

Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.

@hipchkk

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

@nbadag

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.