Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

SONOFA

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.