[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
