[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.