#SuperBowl
You Might Also Like
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers