#SuperBowl
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
saw this in a dream
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse