*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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im gona read so much i cant wait
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*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.