Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Going to church you guys need anything

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine